Not now. Never will be.

You know that feeling you get when you know someone doesn't care about you?

That feeling sucks. 

:(

The rest of your life is being shaped right now.

Right now I feel like I am on a bit of a set path. In two years I will graduate university and start the rest of my life. The rest of my life is being shaped by the decisions I made and will make this year.

Five years ago I was in year twelve. I never would have imagined that I would be here right now. Working full time, one third of the way through my degree and still living at home.

I thought I would have been a teacher or working on a film set.

Crazy how people change isn't it?

Toasted cheese sandwiches

It has been a long day, I didn't get outside today which I think made it feel longer than it should. Feeling pretty tired so tonight I am having a toastie for dinner. It has been a while since I have had one so I am looking forward to it.

Lyrics again

The post below talked about tears and playlists. Here is a song that is positively tear inducing for me right now. This is almost everything I wish I could say but I can't.

Last night I heard my own heart beating

Sounded like footsteps on my stairs

Six months gone and I’m still reaching

Even though I know you’re not there

I was playing back a thousand memories baby

Thinking about everything we’ve been through

Maybe I’ve been going back too much lately

When time stood still and I had you

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You would, you would if this was a movie

Stand in the rain outside til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You could, you could if you just said you’re sorry

I know that we could work it out somehow

But if this was a movie, you’d be here right now

I know people change and these things happen

But I remember how it was back then

Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing

Cause nothing like this ever happened to them

Now I’m pacing down the hall

Chasing down your street

Flashback to a night when you said to me

Nothing’s gonna change, not for me and you

Not before I knew how much I had to lose

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You would, you would if this was a movie

Stand in the rain outside til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You could, you could if you just said you’re sorry

I know that we could work it out somehow

But if this was a movie, you’d be here right now

If you you’re out there, if you’re somewhere, if you’re moving on

I’ve been waiting for you wary since you’ve been gone

I just want it back the way it was before

And I just want to see you back at my front door

And I say

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You would, before you said it’s not that easy

Before the fight, before I left you out

But I take it all back now

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You would, you would if this was a movie

Stand in the rain outside til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like

You could, you could if you just said you’re sorry

I know that we could work it out somehow

But if this was a movie, you’d be here right now

You’d be here right now

It’s not the kind of ending you want to see now

Figure out a better ending

Oh

I thought you’d be here right now

Whoa oh

Thought you’d be here right now . . .

Tears etc.

Have a think back to your first butterflies in your stomach moment. Think about how it felt the first time the  person you had a little thing for, had a little thing for you right back. Consider the first time you thought you were going to be happy for a while, because of one person in particular.

Now think about the first time that you had your heart broken. Think about how it felt when someone important lied to you or messed you around or let you down. Think about that feeling. What did it feel like?

What happens to you physically when that feeling is pulsing through you?

For me personally, I get a tightness in my chest. I get a sort of adrenaline flowing through my body right down to the tips of my fingers. I feel the tears start to come. I try to hold it back and act like I am not going to cry. Then they start to fall. Quietly at first and then louder. After a while my body starts to shake and I feel like I want to curl up in my pyjamas on the floor and just cry. Mostly though, if I am in front of someone else, I wipe away my tears and just shake for a while. I am a shaker. My breathing gets all out of whack and I feel so yuck. 

What happens to you?

One thing I tend to do when something major happens in my life is make playlists. When I feel happy because something good happens, I make happy playlists. When something bad happens, I make sad playlists. When I am angry I make angry playlists etc. Before I deleted around 50% of my music off my computer I had tons of playlists. Happy, sad, confused, angry etc.

After I have made the playlist I update my ipod and plug it in to my music player and let the music do what it does best. For me, music says everything that I am too afraid to say in real life. Tonight I put on a sad playlist and I sat on the floor and let Taylor Swift, James Blunt, Kasey Chambers, The Proclaimers and Sugarland sing everything I couldn't say.  I had a good cry. I feel better for it and I think I have sorted out most of the thoughts that are flying around my head at the moment.

But it still hurts just as much as it did before, and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel lost all over again.

But then again, tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it. Hopefully tomorrow it will hurt a little less. 

Lyrics

Honey Bee

Blake Shelton

Girl I been thinkin’ ’bout us

And you know I ain’t good at this stuff

But these feelings piling up won’t give me no rest

This might come out a little crazy

A little sideways, yeah maybe

I don’t know how long it’ll take me

But I’ll do my best

If you’ll be my soft and sweet

I’ll be your strong and steady

You be my glass of wine

I’ll be your shot of whiskey

You be my sunny day

I’ll be your shade tree

You be my honeysuckle

I’ll be your honey bee

Yeah that came out a little country

But every word was right on the money

And I got you smilin’ honey right back at me

Now hold on ’cause I ain’t done

There’s more where that came from

Well you know I’m just havin’ fun

But seriously

If you’ll be my Louisiana

I’ll be your Mississippi

You be my little Loretta

I’ll be your Conway Twitty

You be my sugar baby

I’ll be your sweet iced tea

You be my honeysuckle

I’ll be your honey bee

Your kiss just said it all

I’m glad we had this talk

Nothin’ left to do but fall in each other’s arms

I could’ve said a “I love you”

Could’ve wrote you a line or two

Baby all I know to do

Is speak right from the heart

If you’ll be my soft and sweet

I’ll be your strong and steady

You be my glass of wine

I’ll be your shot of whiskey

You be my sunny day

I’ll be your shade tree

You be my honeysuckle

I’ll be your honey bee

If you’ll be my Louisiana

I’ll be your Mississippi

You be my little Loretta

I’ll be your Conway Twitty

You be my sugar baby

I’ll be your sweet iced tea

You be my honeysuckle

I’ll be your honey bee

I’ll be your honey bee

Walking to work

Today I walked in to work. The walk takes about 35 minutes on average and is relatively flat the entire way. Pretty cruisey. The weather was unseasonably warm. In the morning it was rather crisp (I love using the word crisp to describe wind. Although, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?).

Days with weather like today is why I love living where I do. We have 4 distinct seasons which I love. At this time of the year all the cherry blossoms start coming out as well. The smells are magical, it is starting to smell like spring. Not that I like spring all that much (itchy eyes and whatnot) but I love the flowers and the smells.

Also, today I wore butterfly earrings and I felt good for most of the day, largely because I felt fun with the earrings.

No real reason for this post, just wanted to share :)