Right now I feel like I am on a bit of a set path. In two years I will graduate university and start the rest of my life. The rest of my life is being shaped by the decisions I made and will make this year.
Five years ago I was in year twelve. I never would have imagined that I would be here right now. Working full time, one third of the way through my degree and still living at home.
I thought I would have been a teacher or working on a film set.
It has been a long day, I didn't get outside today which I think made it feel longer than it should. Feeling pretty tired so tonight I am having a toastie for dinner. It has been a while since I have had one so I am looking forward to it.
Have a think back to your first butterflies in your stomach moment. Think about how it felt the first time the person you had a little thing for, had a little thing for you right back. Consider the first time you thought you were going to be happy for a while, because of one person in particular.
Now think about the first time that you had your heart broken. Think about how it felt when someone important lied to you or messed you around or let you down. Think about that feeling. What did it feel like?
What happens to you physically when that feeling is pulsing through you?
For me personally, I get a tightness in my chest. I get a sort of adrenaline flowing through my body right down to the tips of my fingers. I feel the tears start to come. I try to hold it back and act like I am not going to cry. Then they start to fall. Quietly at first and then louder. After a while my body starts to shake and I feel like I want to curl up in my pyjamas on the floor and just cry. Mostly though, if I am in front of someone else, I wipe away my tears and just shake for a while. I am a shaker. My breathing gets all out of whack and I feel so yuck.
What happens to you?
One thing I tend to do when something major happens in my life is make playlists. When I feel happy because something good happens, I make happy playlists. When something bad happens, I make sad playlists. When I am angry I make angry playlists etc. Before I deleted around 50% of my music off my computer I had tons of playlists. Happy, sad, confused, angry etc.
After I have made the playlist I update my ipod and plug it in to my music player and let the music do what it does best. For me, music says everything that I am too afraid to say in real life. Tonight I put on a sad playlist and I sat on the floor and let Taylor Swift, James Blunt, Kasey Chambers, The Proclaimers and Sugarland sing everything I couldn't say. I had a good cry. I feel better for it and I think I have sorted out most of the thoughts that are flying around my head at the moment.
But it still hurts just as much as it did before, and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel lost all over again.
But then again, tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it. Hopefully tomorrow it will hurt a little less.
Today I walked in to work. The walk takes about 35 minutes on average and is relatively flat the entire way. Pretty cruisey. The weather was unseasonably warm. In the morning it was rather crisp (I love using the word crisp to describe wind. Although, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?).
Days with weather like today is why I love living where I do. We have 4 distinct seasons which I love. At this time of the year all the cherry blossoms start coming out as well. The smells are magical, it is starting to smell like spring. Not that I like spring all that much (itchy eyes and whatnot) but I love the flowers and the smells.
Also, today I wore butterfly earrings and I felt good for most of the day, largely because I felt fun with the earrings.
No real reason for this post, just wanted to share :)