Right now I feel like I am on a bit of a set path. In two years I will graduate university and start the rest of my life. The rest of my life is being shaped by the decisions I made and will make this year.
Five years ago I was in year twelve. I never would have imagined that I would be here right now. Working full time, one third of the way through my degree and still living at home.
I thought I would have been a teacher or working on a film set.
It has been a long day, I didn't get outside today which I think made it feel longer than it should. Feeling pretty tired so tonight I am having a toastie for dinner. It has been a while since I have had one so I am looking forward to it.
Have a think back to your first butterflies in your stomach moment. Think about how it felt the first time the person you had a little thing for, had a little thing for you right back. Consider the first time you thought you were going to be happy for a while, because of one person in particular.
Now think about the first time that you had your heart broken. Think about how it felt when someone important lied to you or messed you around or let you down. Think about that feeling. What did it feel like?
What happens to you physically when that feeling is pulsing through you?
For me personally, I get a tightness in my chest. I get a sort of adrenaline flowing through my body right down to the tips of my fingers. I feel the tears start to come. I try to hold it back and act like I am not going to cry. Then they start to fall. Quietly at first and then louder. After a while my body starts to shake and I feel like I want to curl up in my pyjamas on the floor and just cry. Mostly though, if I am in front of someone else, I wipe away my tears and just shake for a while. I am a shaker. My breathing gets all out of whack and I feel so yuck.
What happens to you?
One thing I tend to do when something major happens in my life is make playlists. When I feel happy because something good happens, I make happy playlists. When something bad happens, I make sad playlists. When I am angry I make angry playlists etc. Before I deleted around 50% of my music off my computer I had tons of playlists. Happy, sad, confused, angry etc.
After I have made the playlist I update my ipod and plug it in to my music player and let the music do what it does best. For me, music says everything that I am too afraid to say in real life. Tonight I put on a sad playlist and I sat on the floor and let Taylor Swift, James Blunt, Kasey Chambers, The Proclaimers and Sugarland sing everything I couldn't say. I had a good cry. I feel better for it and I think I have sorted out most of the thoughts that are flying around my head at the moment.
But it still hurts just as much as it did before, and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel lost all over again.
But then again, tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it. Hopefully tomorrow it will hurt a little less.
Today I walked in to work. The walk takes about 35 minutes on average and is relatively flat the entire way. Pretty cruisey. The weather was unseasonably warm. In the morning it was rather crisp (I love using the word crisp to describe wind. Although, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?).
Days with weather like today is why I love living where I do. We have 4 distinct seasons which I love. At this time of the year all the cherry blossoms start coming out as well. The smells are magical, it is starting to smell like spring. Not that I like spring all that much (itchy eyes and whatnot) but I love the flowers and the smells.
Also, today I wore butterfly earrings and I felt good for most of the day, largely because I felt fun with the earrings.
No real reason for this post, just wanted to share :)
When I was a little girl, I loved animated kids movies. Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Pinocchio, The Lion King, Thumbelina, Charlotte's Web. You name it, I loved it.
When I was a little girl, I used to dress up like those characters. I had fairy wings, big puffy dresses, crowns, magic wands and ballet shoes.
When I was a little girl, I had Barbie dolls. Lots of Barbie dolls. I had three Barbie houses (Foldin' Fun House, Foldin' Travelling House and Unidentified house that probably wasn't actually trademarked by Mattel), two Barbie cars (a Corvette and a Picnic Van), two large bags of Barbie clothes and at least 15 Barbie's. And two Ken's.
When I was a little girl, I believed everything that those movies preached. Love will find you even if you sleep for 100 years. Always let your conscience be your guide. Hakuna Matata etc. I loved the lyrics of the songs in those movies. My favourite is from Thumbelina:
Let me be your wings
Let me be your only love
Let me take you far beyond the stars
Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours
Anything that you desire
Anything at all
Everyday I'll take you higher
And i'll never let you fall.
Now that I am older, I still love animated kids movies. I am pretty convinced that I will never not love kids movies. Although they really don't make kids movies like they used to.
Now that I am older, I still love dressing up. Not so much in ballet slippers and magic wands. In pretty dresses and flowery tops mostly.
Now that I am older, I still have my Barbie's. I don't really play with them anymore, I am saving them for my kids. I don't remember the exact age that I decided that would happen. Probably when I was around 10.
Now that I am older, I love TV shows on DVD. I love Packed to the Rafters, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl, The OC, One Tree Hill, Scrubs and Robin Hood. I love how I can unwind completely while I am watching them. I love the stories. I love the romance. I love that I can smile when the moments are smile-worthy, cry when the moments are tear stained and giggle when the characters do.
Sometimes I wish my life could be like my favourite TV show. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a little girl. Sometimes I wish I could sing like they do in the movies.
Most of the time though, I am pretty happy being me. But I still love escaping to the DVD's. It is my way of unwinding and switching off for a while.
In the last few months I have been thinking a lot about religion. I have been asking myself whether I should believe in something because I felt so lost for a while and I felt I had nothing to believe in. I was baptised Catholic but I never really kept up with it. How do people decide on a religion? Do people ever really decide on one specific religion?
So it has been about four months since my last post.
I am actually feeling quite useless at this whole blogging thing. I enjoy writing but when I am writing in this format I tend to just write what I am thinking about (which I suppose is the point of a blog). For now I feel like I need to write some things down so I can get them out of my system. Or at least type some things up so I can look back in another four months and marvel at how much things have changed again. So, what has changed for me in the last four months?
I was three years into my education degree, all set to graduate next year. I was so excited to go on my teaching practical with a kindergarten class. I was so sure that this practical would seal the deal as far as my education degree goes. Then I stepped into the classroom on day one and that Monday was the day that everything started to change for me.
The first few days were pretty typical of a third year pre-service teacher. I did a lot of observing and a lot of small group work with the children. By the end of the day on Wednesday my mentor told me that she thought it would be a good idea for me to plan and teach for the entire week in my last week. Now in theory that wouldn't be so bad right? Teachers teach for the whole day every day of the week. It is possible, it does happen.
Long story cut short- it was a disaster. I hated getting up in the morning. I hated going to school to teach these children. I hated what I was teaching. Hate seems like such a strong word but to be honest I think it is suitable for the way I was feeling back then. I hadn't been that unhappy in a while. It was then that I realised that maybe, despite my best efforts and giving it everything I had, maybe, teaching wasn't the right profession for me. So what did I do? I quit. I failed my practical and failed the unit.
The next few months saw a new relationship come and go. I don't regret it but I do regret how quickly I let my guard down on that one. As far as relationships go, I try to start every one of them with a clean slate and I try to see the best in people. I learned a lot from this relationship. I learned what it feels like to like someone more than they like you. I learned what it feels like to have your feelings thrown back in your face. I learned that it doesn't matter how much you wish someone would choose you over someone else, because they won't. I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve and being open and more honest with someone than you have ever been with anyone can make you hurt more than you ever have before. I suppose I went through a bit of a Marianne Dashwood moment. She was so open with everyone about how she felt and when he didn't reciprocate she fell apart. I still think Marianne is someone to admire for how she felt. She wasn't afraid to let her true feelings show through.
Things are starting to change now which is good :) I am working full time with lots of great people. I am happier on a day to day basis. I always try to smile at least once a day (not hard to do that at the moment) and I always try to be nice to people.
Right now I am looking forward to starting fresh. Meeting new people and doing new things. Hopefully meeting someone special but I am not going to stress too hard about that one. I am a firm believer in fate and that everything happening for a reason.
It has been quite a while since I last posted on here. A lot has happened to me in that time. First of all I think I should say that I ended up going to America in January! And it was everything I could have hoped for. I went there for an exchange program for my university. I got to go to all these amazing places but probably my favourite place would have been New York City. To be honest, I still find it hard to find the words to describe how amazing that city is. People always ask me what is so amazing about it and I always answer the same way. Everything. Everything about NYC is amazing. And the thing about that is, when I give that answer to people, it is only the ones who have already been to NYC that go 'I get it. I totally get it.'
Another thing that I loved about the US was visiting North Carolina for my exchange program. I went to Charlotte, NC. The people that I met there were absolutely tremendous. Some Aussie friends that I made over there all went over to one of the exchange co-ordinators house for pizza and movie watching. I felt rather homesick at that point but doing something like that made me realise that movies and pizza and just hanging out and having fun is not just unique to home. This made me feel a lot better and made going home a lot harder in the end.