So it has been about four months since my last post.
I am actually feeling quite useless at this whole blogging thing. I enjoy writing but when I am writing in this format I tend to just write what I am thinking about (which I suppose is the point of a blog). For now I feel like I need to write some things down so I can get them out of my system. Or at least type some things up so I can look back in another four months and marvel at how much things have changed again. So, what has changed for me in the last four months?
I was three years into my education degree, all set to graduate next year. I was so excited to go on my teaching practical with a kindergarten class. I was so sure that this practical would seal the deal as far as my education degree goes. Then I stepped into the classroom on day one and that Monday was the day that everything started to change for me.
The first few days were pretty typical of a third year pre-service teacher. I did a lot of observing and a lot of small group work with the children. By the end of the day on Wednesday my mentor told me that she thought it would be a good idea for me to plan and teach for the entire week in my last week. Now in theory that wouldn't be so bad right? Teachers teach for the whole day every day of the week. It is possible, it does happen.
Long story cut short- it was a disaster. I hated getting up in the morning. I hated going to school to teach these children. I hated what I was teaching. Hate seems like such a strong word but to be honest I think it is suitable for the way I was feeling back then. I hadn't been that unhappy in a while. It was then that I realised that maybe, despite my best efforts and giving it everything I had, maybe, teaching wasn't the right profession for me. So what did I do? I quit. I failed my practical and failed the unit.
The next few months saw a new relationship come and go. I don't regret it but I do regret how quickly I let my guard down on that one. As far as relationships go, I try to start every one of them with a clean slate and I try to see the best in people. I learned a lot from this relationship. I learned what it feels like to like someone more than they like you. I learned what it feels like to have your feelings thrown back in your face. I learned that it doesn't matter how much you wish someone would choose you over someone else, because they won't. I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve and being open and more honest with someone than you have ever been with anyone can make you hurt more than you ever have before. I suppose I went through a bit of a Marianne Dashwood moment. She was so open with everyone about how she felt and when he didn't reciprocate she fell apart. I still think Marianne is someone to admire for how she felt. She wasn't afraid to let her true feelings show through.
Things are starting to change now which is good :) I am working full time with lots of great people. I am happier on a day to day basis. I always try to smile at least once a day (not hard to do that at the moment) and I always try to be nice to people.
Right now I am looking forward to starting fresh. Meeting new people and doing new things. Hopefully meeting someone special but I am not going to stress too hard about that one. I am a firm believer in fate and that everything happening for a reason.